Finding my way
Medschool had taught me a lot of things in life. Maybe some I learned listening to hours of lectures and Clinico-Pathologic Case presentations; some I gnawed through sleepless nights from pages of books and transcriptions reading, trying as much to remember as much as my short memory-lane can handle; some I learned repeating what our preceptors would tell us to do (do this, do that, touch this, put your finger here, listen to this sound, observe the color of his eyes); and some from hours of standing asking our patients from what they had in yesterday's breakfast up to the color and characteristics of their stools (yes we do that often). All these exciting discoveries I enjoyed somehow, one way or the other. But what strike me most of the times are those that I have to learn painfully: through constant failures and disappointments... to some point that I have utterly lost my way on what you call 'self esteem'. The last part, I don't think I am enjoying them pretty well.
Every now and then, I would come to a halt, when I'm alone walking along the sheltered walkways of PGH, I would often ask myself: What had happened to me? What happened to the 'Ahmad' that I once knew? Who is positive on almost everything, hopeful, determined to reach a dream he believed can achieve? What happened to him? Where did he go? And as much as I wanted to find the answers, I would end up tongue-tied. Baffled. Speech-less. Lost.
Well, not until I can find something to eat (Dulang is the place!) and with a piece of paper and a pen to write whatever comes in my mind... and yes, a silent moment at the masjid after prayer would keep my heart calm. After that, I would feel better and forget about these dramas. Yes, Yes I do have these dramas in life. What's wrong with that? Haha.
Anyways, what I am trying to say is life in medschool is not easy at all. You don't just have to be prepared for the great challenge you will meet academically and financially, you have to be well armored too on the emotional bullets and downfalls that would hit you. You have to expect them. Always. If during your undergrad days, you were the creme of the crop, always on the top of your class, in medschool it could turn all over (with a very few exceptions; those nerdy nerds out there :)
But hey, I realized that having these episodes of soul-searching (naks) are really important, and they are never bad at all. There are times that we are totally focused on doing something that the rest of the world are telling you to do (studying for example, haha), and you have to shout out "Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Why am I doing this again? Why am I spending endless sleepless nights when I could just go sleep and enjoy a good night's dream?" We humans somehow need to constantly ask ourselves where we are going so that we can guide ourselves when we are already leading the wrong way. perhaps this was already designed and planned by our Great Creator... that when we are already lost in something that our heart's can no longer feel what it's looking for, we will automatically feel empty, that there's something missing... And when we look inside ourselves, we would find what we were looking for. (yup, this is already too cliche, oh well might as well end this)
Lastly, I am happy and grateful for both the good, happy learning I had and the painful ones as well in medschool. The former showed me how vast His knowledge is and still can be, and the latter have shown me that I am just any other human, full of errors, imperfect. And both can make me strive harder to be better than myself yesterday. To find my way once again when I'm lost. After all it was already written in the holy Qur'an when Allah said:
So, why worry and be sad. :) all these are nothing but tests to make us better, in sha Allah.
Stay happy, and keep smiling. It's sunnah! :D
(OK, sorry for the drama there, my blog just missed me somehow and vice versa... in sha Allah, I hope I can blog more often...)